sorrow

I

there sometimes exists inside
to utmost depths
nameless pains
agonies indescribable

they dwell within
beyond conscious reach
or understanding
swelling unexpressed

they taint each day
without our knowing
swallowing countless joys
destroying countless hopes

all unwitting we go through life
and from time to time
it wells forth a mighty urge
…and we push it away

push it back from whence it came
into the blackness
that place we dare not look
within our selves

…and there it struggles
seeking tirelessly to be known
seeking endlessly its acknowledgement
…and we go through life

we grow callous and bitter
cynical, untrusting and wary
it wears us down from within
eating away our organs and tissues

…because we will not see it
will not acknowledge it
this fantastic force of nature
this inexplicable force of emotion

it destroys us from within
…our denial grows stronger
it thrashes inside us
in its maddened struggle for release

it slowly tears at our organs
weakens our bones
rips our muscles and ligaments
…bit by bit it shreds our sanity

…as it struggles to find release
we go insane in our avoidance
unwilling to face it or accept it
unwilling to see it
 

II

a betrayal, a loss
always some form of loss
we are taught not to accept it
to say it doesn’t matter

just to grit the teeth and bare it
just to carry on in spite of it
just to push it down and pretend
pretend it doesn’t matter

but it does – and always will
it will never cease to matter
as our denial robs us of our sensitivity
turns our hearts into cold grey stones

we convince ourselves this is right
that we are becoming stronger
learning to protect ourselves
that this is what everyone does

perhaps this is true…
a great many kill themselves this way
pretending it isn’t there
that the pain doesn’t matter

that it’s not important
that it doesn’t deserve our attention
our unwavering acceptance
that it’s not okay to accept it

over time we master this art
this art of avoidance and denial
of pretending we’re okay
that the pain is trivial

…we choose not to see it
how it swallows our hearts and souls
yearning for recognition
striving for acceptance
 

III

it is our loss
the loss of a loved one or friend
the loss of a hope or dream
it is our sorrow and grief

we are told it is bad
that there is something wrong with us
that we shouldn’t feel it
the pain and emptiness

we are told to ignore it – put it away
make like it’s not there
that it doesn’t deserve our attention
that it’s unimportant

rarely are we told that it’s okay
to feel it and simply cry
let it well up from the hurt place inside
and bare forth its reality of loss

rarely are we told that it’s okay
to allow it into our voice
a crackling sound, a wailing pain
to wear it on our face like a hungry infant

to let it twist our lips
quiver our chin and cheeks
let it furrow our brow full of hurt
turning our face into a wellspring of pain

rarely is it mentioned that it will pass
that the flow of agonizing pain will cease
that if we let it rupture our composure
telling ourselves it will be okay – over and over

that if we release the horror of grief
and comfort ourselves as we cry
it will pass and everything will be okay
the sorrow passes

that when it does pass
colors sharpen and beauty becomes electric
joy becomes real and unfettered
and we learn an unmanipulative compassion

that when it does pass
we truly are stronger
more willing to feel
more willing to live

but no-one told us
and we don’t realize
so long as we trap it inside
it never, ever will pass

so long as we imprison our pain
it will slowly rend us asunder
as it finds expression despite ourselves
forcing us constant agony
 

IV

men don’t cry
only women and sissies cry
call me a sissy you bastard
that’s fine

this is my pain not yours
get away from me
go ahead and deny yourself life
i can’t change you

when i need to i will cry
i will let my face contort from the grief
i will tell myself it’s okay
that everything will be okay

i’ll assure myself that it will pass
that it’s okay to feel it
that it’s important and real
that the feelings are real and okay

and when it’s over
when the shuddering sobs cease
when the release of emotion has finished
i’ll go eat a fantastic fudge sundae

i’ll admit to myself that it really hurt
and eat the damned sundae like it matters
enjoying every bite
savoring every moment of its delightfulness

it doesn’t fulfill an expectation
it just comforts me
my heart raw from feeling
feeling such depth of emotion

it is a validation
an acknowledgement
that it was, is and will be okay
that i really do accept it

and when i see the sunset
a full moon on a clear night
a spectacular cloudscape on the horizon
a beautiful flower garden or woman

my heart will leap out at them
in unrestrained joy and delight
because i accepted within myself
accepted without reservation my sorrow

because i accepted the grief and the pain
i accept also my joy
and become free to know what it really is
because i let go of the sorrow

and it was okay