I have been asked on occasion about my writing in relation to suicide. So I’ve decided to put together this list of poems written over the years that connect to subject in some way. These aren’t the sort of emo/cutter poems you would normally find on the subject; they are generally inspired by my having witnessed the aftermath of a suicide first hand or in the lives of others.
A little background. My father committed suicide when I was 10 years old. He was an abusive man, so my reaction to this has been ambivalent—Not just at the time, but throughout my life in general. From the moment I grasped the reality of what he had done, I’ve wrestled with its impact on my life and with thoughts of suicide myself.
Over the years, a couple of people close to or connected to my life in some way have committed suicide. Each time this has happened has caused me to delve into intense self-reflection and soul-searching. Suicide is not something I’m fully able to grasp—Not as the son, not as the friend or acquaintance, and not even as one who has pondered taking his own life. So, poetry has played a role in my process of assimilating and making some degree of sense of this intense, life-altering experience.
This list is organized by the most recently written poem to the oldest. Each entry is followed by a little information about what inspired the poem.
One more breath (June 2021)
As may be discerned by the fact that this list exists, I have struggled with thoughts of suicide throughout my life. Here I reflect on that struggle, likening it to being “poisoned” in spirit and soul. In the notes I reflect on the complex feeling or feelings that inspired me to write this, which in some ways feels disconnected from the content itself.
Year of Paradox (April 2016)
When I turned 45, I thought I turned the same age my father was when he committed suicide. The feelings this inspired were intense. It almost felt as if I were reaching the last year of my life, the end of a long and grueling sentence handed down by fate. After writing this poem, my sister informed me that he was actually 40 when he died. I felt a huge sense of relief to learn I was already older than he was at his time of death. The sentence was suddenly lifted, and somehow I was free.
Suicide Note (February 2016)
This three part free verse poem is inspired by the plight of child brides. Periodically, such a girl will accept certain death by cutting off the “husbands” genitals in his sleep. Here I imagine an Afghani child bride, after more than a decade of sexual slavery and servitude, leaving this “suicide note” as a recording for her mutilated husband to discover after she has been stoned to death by his kin.
I must be (January 2015)
This was written as I pondered self-oblivion yet again during my son’s infancy. Even though I find the thought of leaving him all alone in the world without me completely horrifying, the tendency to contemplate ways and means still persists. So I wrote this little reminder for myself to reflect on when that happens.
Companion (November 2011)
This is a short poem that personalizes Time as a life companion. Here she is the entity who whispers into my mind reasons not to cut short my life when I’ve contemplated seeking “an end to every pain”. This poem may now only be found in my book,
an inkling hope.
happy deathday (November 2008)
Every once in awhile I find myself thinking about my father’s suicide and the suicide of my ex-wife’s husband. This poem was written nearly four years to the day after the latter. The title is intended to be ironic, since a child inevitably feels an intense ambivalence concerning the suicide of an abusive parent. This poem may now only be found in my book,
an inkling hope.
The Dimming (March 2006)
Written for a friend who asked me to write a poem in memory of her daughter who committed suicide in October of 2005. This was an extremely difficult poem to write in a variety of ways; not just structurally, but emotionally, and even spiritually. Writing this required that I learn a good deal about Chinese cosmology—which I spent a lot of time meditating on—because nothing in our Western cultural or religious belief systems allows for the possibility that a suicide might one day be free.
Father (May 2005)
My father committed suicide when I was ten years old. I wrote this near the middle of 2005 as I reflected on the impact of this loss. This poem may now only be found in my book,
an inkling hope, though this post does contain audio of my reciting the poem.
Fusion (April 2005)
As my relationship with my ex-wife developed, I found myself reflecting on the suicide of her previous husband. I haven’t been able to help but feel some guilt because I began a relationship with his wife before they were fully divorced. The webs we weave. This poem may now only be found in my book,
an inkling hope.
A Christmas Poem (December 2004)
In November of 2004 my ex-wife’s soon-to-be ex-husband committed suicide by hanging. He left two small children in the house with his dead body for about 24 hours before they were discovered. On Christmas Eve I found myself reflecting on the parallels between his suicide and the suicide of my father. This poem may now only be found in my book,
an inkling hope.
To the Parent Who Committed Suicide (December 2004)
Near the end of December of 2004 I found myself reflecting on the impact a parent’s suicide has on his or her bereaved children.
In the Shade of Suicide (September 2004)
Another poem that reflects on the death of my father. Here I attempt to depict the environment of my father’s death and the effect of his ghost upon that environment. Oddly enough this was written shortly before my ex-wife’s previous husband committed suicide.
Reunion (December 2001)
In 1999 or so I had a vivid dream where I met my father briefly in the City of Necropolis. Two years later I wrote this poem. It has been lightly revised since then.
