Sometimes I start writing a poem based on a feeling that I don’t really know how to express. And, here even with the poem written, I’m still not certain what the feeling was that inspired it. Though the poem focuses on the decision to not commit suicide throughout my life, this doesn’t really represent the feeling from which it began.
One more breath
My life was over…
Rivers of poison flowed through
my veins and every fiber of being
My spirit was dark with dread,
insurmountable dread, dread instilled
by willful neglect, countless curses,
endless threats and blows.
A thing like strychnine or a cobra’s venom
coursed throughout my thoughts,
through the depths of my psyche,
my subtle form and corrupted even
the shattered crystal mist of my
soul.
There was no life support for a sickness
such as this, where the light within
grew so dim and obscured it could
no longer be seen, or even felt.
I wanted only to live a moment more,
so I took in a breath and cried to the stars,
“Then all I ask is you take from me
this fear of dying.”
And the moment passed.
I wanted only to live for one more day,
so I screamed out by the tireless river,
almost in rage, “Then all I ask is
you take from me this one terror.”
And the night passed.
Again and again I found myself with no
divider yearning to swerve into bright
headlights. Again and again I found
myself on top of cliffs yearning
to fling myself from sorrow.
And the moments passed.
There was no reason to believe
in a life beyond tomorrow,
today,
or even the moment…
But here I am
looking back on yesterdays,
yesteryears,
decades
that never should have been.
And for the moment,
that yearning has passed
yet again.
So, what was feeling? I’m sure it’s woven into the subtext somewhere. If I had to guess, maybe it’s a sort of wonderment that I’m still alive despite feeling so undeserving of life overall. Or, maybe it’s this ever-present sense of dismay and unease at the fact that this urge or desire to be done with life along with the associated thought processes—the poison—still remains.
Maybe it’s both.
